The New Year is finally upon us, and with it comes rampant speculation as to what it has in store for gamers. Brave New Gamer has compiled an irrational and slightly analytical list of predictions for 2010. It includes game releases, announcements, and a few other surprises that will blow your %$&*ing mind.
With the indubitable success of BioShock 2, 2K Games announces BioShock 3. This game will take place 20 years after the events of BioShock 2, during the end of the 1970’s. Gamers will play as old Splicers who are too decrepit to use plasmids, playing bingo while slutty 30-something girls will walk around in very tight pants and big curly hair.
In an effort to cut defense spending, the U.S. Air Force ceases its use of PlayStation 3 clusters. Instead, the USAF will revert to using PlayStation 2 consoles. “While not nearly as robust as the PlayStation 3, the PS2 fulfills the Air Force’s internal requirements to develop more advanced radar systems,” said Major B. Hess. “Plus, it’s got God of War.”
Blizzard brings back a blast from the past. It announces its previously-undisclosed MMO to be a Lost Vikings RPG. Aptly named “The Lost Vikings: Without Renorse,” it will be the first-ever side-scrolling MMORPG. The game will feature cameo appearances from Balin, Gimli and Brett Favre.
Natal releases to great fanfare. Microsoft says it’s their most successful product launch since Windows Vista. The software giant also says Natal will cure world hunger, child obesity and AIDS, in that order.
Female gamers become more prominent, demanding better gender representation in video games. As if we need girl Spartans in Halo.
Duke Nukem Forever is scheduled for a December 22, 2012 release date. Weeks later, researchers discover that the world will in fact end December 21, 2012.
Microsoft kicks off its subliminal marketing campaign for the next Halo using toothbrush commercials, “don’t just brush, Reach.”
Half-Life 2: Episode 3 is scheduled for release later this year, but based on our calculations, it won’t release until December 23, 2012.
Top US video game publisher Activision takes their biggest selling franchise, Call of Duty, to the children. As a sort of spinoff from the serious first-person shooters that have been unanimously rated T-M, the child-friendly series will be rated E+10. The franchise will take a significant turn to remain respectable for children, changing its name to “Call of Dooty.”
Reports also indicate that, with the rise in mature, male gamers between the ages of 25 and 40 and the rising popularity of girls between 14 and 21, the Call of Duty series will approach those demographics as well, with “Call of Booty” and “Vampire Duty” respectively.
Gamers are outraged when they discover that Half-Life 2: Episode 3 will likely be delayed until never. In response to the outcry, Valve runs a three-week long Steam sale. All is good.
Japanese gaming magazine Famitsu stops circulation when its readers discover that its reviews consist entirely of nonsensical markings accompanied by an arbitrary number out of 40.
Blizzard revisits StarCraft: Ghost. In it, the main character’s clothes are so tight, they’re painted on.
Battlefield 3 is revealed, will contain more rock-throwing and suicide bombing than the last two. It will also be the first Battlefield game to feature a full-fledged single player campaign, where players will take part in six-hour long patrols of abandoned Afghan villages, likely not encountering a single hostile for days on end.
Realizing it will soon be f*cked because of digital distribution, video game retailer GameStop begins including adult-entertainment DVD’s with purchases. The move backfires as the company realizes that’s all online too.
StarCraft II: Wings of Liberty releases. It’s so kickass people forget the world is ending in 2012.
